I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
