Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
3pm strippers are depressing
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
