there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
