She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
