Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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