Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
