1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
