just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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