I hate your face
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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