now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
