we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
