I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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