Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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