this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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