Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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