btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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