New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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