Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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