so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
