apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
