we have pet lesbian snakes
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
