I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
