if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
