I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
