I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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