one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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