Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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