Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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