I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
