i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
