just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
