I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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