that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize