I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
