Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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