do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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