I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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