A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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