weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
