my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
