READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
