Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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