I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
