My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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