my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
