I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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