the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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