Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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