guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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