chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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