The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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