They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
