i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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