She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
