now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
