She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
