Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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