apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
