Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
