when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
