Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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