i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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